You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆