You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
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My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.