“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I like crazy people until they notice me
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel