You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
me after eating Cheetos
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Flowers bee like
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel