You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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こいつ天才
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
dutch is not a serious language
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother