You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Saw your ex at the shops
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…