You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Pretty certain I can more drunk
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.