“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*