You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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