@melibuff: You can't have your cake and thigh gap too.
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@Thynebear: [first date at a chinese restaurant] "So are you more of a dog or a cat person?" *reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
@leehopkins: Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don't turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
@UncleDuke1969: (Trump rally) Trump: I’ll take questions now. Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought? Trump: More water. Crowd: *cheers wildly*