My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Meow
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Hmm, not sure about this change
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*