You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.