You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
dream blunt rotation
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job