You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.