You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?