Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My daily affirmation
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?