@SouthrnPinUpMom: You can't make everyone happy. You aren't a jar of Nutella.
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@goldengateblond: I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
@lmwortho: I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
@BuckyIsotope: *visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* "Make yourself at home" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
@brendohare: Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I'd be more upset if it wasn't saving me time in the morning