When you “pspspsp” too hard
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I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Not my job 😂
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.