You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.