You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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Sheep
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.