You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
what
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
#StillHurts