You can’t outrun your problems…
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.