@NikiWithIssues: You can't prove that I'm not the center of the universe.
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@jergarl: Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot.
@respected_loner: whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i'll hack into their security cameras real fast [types "job openings" into google]
@rickolantern: *replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one...watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd