Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night