You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
house sitting!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.