You can’t rush stupid.
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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.