You can’t rush stupid.
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I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.