I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
This is a bad sign
Breaking news:
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?