He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
2022 will be better than 2021
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I only treason on days ending in y
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.