My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
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If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
congratulations to them
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.