“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids