“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.