You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
oh shit