The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
You Might Also Like
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.