@iamrandomape: [job interview] BOSS: biggest weakness? ME: I never know when to quit BOSS: that's ok, ur hired ME: I quit

@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Amazon. "Why's it take 9 months?" Shipping. Go to sleep.

@moose_chocolate: If by "fetching" you mean "looks like I was dragged from the woods by a dog" then yes I look fetching.

@TheDairylandDon: Joker: You're endangering a minor Batman: He's my partner Joker: Why's he in his underwear? Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

@onlxn: TRUMP: I'm gonna lose, huh? RYAN: Yes. [silence] TRUMP: Thank God. RYAN: I know TRUMP: I'd be SO bad at it RYAN: We literally all might die