You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣