You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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Worst Native American name ever.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious