My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods