You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
You Might Also Like
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?