You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!