You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
*lint rolls you awake*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy