You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*checks Timeline*…
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no