victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.