@Cali_Kid_Mike: "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."
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@trevso_electric: Talking about your ex makes it sound like you're not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
@bromanconsul: GIRL NEARBY: I'm breaking up with you, Kevin. You don't talk about Pokemon enough. [I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
@WheelTod: Me: How old is your daughter? Her: She'll be 4 next week. Me: *audible sigh (Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she... NOW.