People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
bears
#inspiration #foodforthought
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
When you’ve simply given up.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out