[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
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I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough