You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
meow
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
im 7 sauces long