You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!