You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.