You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast