[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
What flavor cupcake are these
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!