“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.