The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
You Might Also Like
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Tier 3 meme
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.