@LoveNLunchmeat: You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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@somelightcrying: Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you're like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
@BlindChow: Hi, I'd like a salamus sandwich, please. "You mean salami?" No, just a single salamus. "Um ok, anything else on that?" Yes, one pepperonus.
@causticbob: Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, "Awesome, now we're both barking."
@Book_Krazy: TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy TIMMY: I'm scared to look. TEACHER: Don't worry. It's all B's lol *opens it & gets engulfed by bees*