You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight