@LoveNLunchmeat: You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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@TheSharona06: Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
@iwearaonesie: my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"
@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
@shariv67: Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.