@LoveNLunchmeat: You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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@mikeleffingwell: I always say "I was wondering when you'd find me" when I get in my car. That way if someone's ever in the backseat I'll look cool as shit.
@ThatsSarcasm: *Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.
@HomeProbably: This strange woman won't stop talking to me so I'm going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
@Book_Krazy: [quietly] "Always a bridesmaid never the bride" BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids! "Shhh...this day is about you, not me."