You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
#oldknees
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making