You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired