You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Expect the unexporcupine.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day